A tranquil, sunlit, spring morning in the veg plot. Peter had started out by repairing the larger of the raised beds, whilst I spent a quiet hour pruning, thinning and tying up the raspberries. A perfect domestic tableau.
Birds singing, wind rustling through the finely cut branches of grandma Silver Birch, chickens mumbling contentedly as they scrabbled around for bugs brought out by the warmth.
All is at peace… A million horror films start out that way…
Having finished the repairs Peter moved on to the compost heap and started emptying one compartment to get at the compost at the bottom in readiness to mulch around the raspberries when I had finished tying them to the wires. It was tough going and having stuck the fork well into the mass he levered against the side of the bin…
And then … it happened!
From out of the grimy depths came the leviathan … the mutant vegetable! Erupting into the air like a scud missile!
Over two feet long with a tough and scaly skin, it shot out of the compost heap like the monsters that ravaged the town of Perfection, Nevada! Those Dune-lookalike worms valiantly fought off by Val and Earl (Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward).
It arced over the side of the bin with deceptive ease – and plummeted earthwards – to land at the base of the raised bed and split open with a leaden squelch just as the that third ‘mother-humper’ worm had shot off the edge of the cliff.
Mutant Marrow! A huge beast that had grown unseen at the back of the plot and which I had turfed into the compost bin back in November – where it had lain – plotting its revenge – and ultimately met its sticky, stinky, doom just as its mutant sand-worm forerunner.
Peter leaped back, with many expletives, it having narrowly missed hitting him amid ships – and me? Still laughing!
I present to you… Tremors 4.5!